We are our own worst critics.
How many times a day do you beat yourself up with negative comments?
One, two, ten, hundreds? Especially after you’ve failed at something or made a fool of yourself, the inner dialogue might go like this:
"I’m such an idiot! How could I let this happen? I’m so ashamed of myself! This is definitely the last time I expose myself like that. I’m clearly not cut out for this."
What would you say if this was the feedback you got from a colleague after a presentation at work? Few of us would consider this as constructive criticism.
In fact, you’d probably think he or she is so rude that you never want to talk to them again. When leaving work that day you might feel ashamed of yourself, like a complete failure, or steaming mad about being treated like a punch bag.
Now think about that for a while.
Why do we consider it OK to treat ourselves this way when we would never give others the same treatment? Let alone tolerate others to treat us like that?
Would you say the things you secretly say to yourself to your kids?
If you were to give feedback to a colleague in the same situation, what would you say? Maybe something like:
"It’s obvious that you’ve put down a lot of work in that presentation. And I like the fact that you’ve divided the presentation in manageable chunks with nice illustrations! However, it would be easier to get the essence of it if you would make a small introduction on the subject and then close the presentation with a conclusion. For people like me who are new to this subject, I miss an overview that quickly explains the essence of it. You're almost there, just add these two things and the presentation is perfect!"
So, which of these two feedbacks do you think is more motivating? Which one would inspire you to go back to your presentation and make it even better?
And which one would make your stomach churn just by the thought of it?
When you choose to be as strategic and wise in the communication with yourself as you are with others, you will propel yourself toward success.
We put on different filters depending on who we talk to and the desired outcome of the conversation. The motive could be anything from getting something from someone, to making the other person feel better about him or herself.
When we're communicating with ourselves it seems like we don’t have the same filters on. We’re aimlessly shooting comments in all directions.
Good, bad, and disastrous comments that are not in alignment with who we want to be.
In fact, they could be moving us further away from our goals. If we domesticate these comments gone wild, tame them, and direct them so that they support our goals, then and only then can we stay on track and reach our goals.
Try this little exercise to make you more aware of what you are actually saying to yourself during the day.
Check in with your internal dialogue throughout the day. This may seem like an awful lot of work, but use the following shortcut:
If you have any negative emotions coming up, then immediately turn your focus to your internal dialogue. The reason I stress negative emotions, is that positive emotions are what they are, positive, and we don't want to fix things that aren't broken, do we?
Now just observe what goes on inside your head and start asking yourself questions.
What happened that made me feel this way? What am I saying to myself right now? Am I making up excuses? Am I giving myself a verbal beating? Am i pointing my finger at others and hence weakening my personal power?
Then, take notes of your thoughts when your inner critic is having a party at your expense. Write it all down. If you think it’s a hassle to write full sentences, just write the first words that comes to mind. “I’m bad, lousy, ashamed, a loser," etc. Once you’ve got it all down on paper, bring out your inner coach and let him/ her transform this verbal beating into an encouraging conversation.
Remember that your inner coach…
- is supportive, letting you know that you did your best, which is good enough!
- is motivating, keeping your spirits up, giving you something to look forward to.
- helps you see possibilities and potential, where you previously saw nothing but problems and shortcomings
- knows your goals and your values, and always gives advice that are in alignment with who you want to be and what you want to do.
If you find this exercise hard, try to imagine that you are doing this for your best friend, your kids, or someone close to you.
What would you say to help them and encourage them if they were in your shoes right now?
Once you get the hang of this, keep doing it every time you start sabotaging yourself. The more you do it, the better you will get at it, and before you know it, your inner coach automatically pops up to deal with your sabotaging self.
When constructive mind chatter becomes second nature to you, your life will take a new and surprising turn for the better.
Try it out and see for yourself:-)
Good luck!
Lots of love,
Marita xx
Photo: Giulia Bertelli/ Unsplash